if you take christianne and make it christina (which is what many people mistakenly call me), you get tina. and anna and amy are basically the same name anyway – amirite anne “get my name right, dammit” hathaway? so basically we are the hosts. lollll ok i’ll stop.
NBC literally finished the show at 11pm on the nose, so good job there, but tina and amy def did not get enough airtime so i am sad. here are the many texts that anna and i exchanged while watching the golden globes…
c: man kate hudson looks rough. her dress is fug[ly]. oh man this dude [christoph waltz] is already crying and his speech is horrible. i do not know who he is, i have never seen this dude before. maggie smith just won for downton abbey DRINK.
a: christoph waltz was amazing! [you dummy, how do you not know who he is?]
c: never heard of him oops
a: [explains who he is via inglorious basterds reference]
c: ew francesca eastwood. also game change won best tv movie/mini series
a: idk what game change is. can’t believe liz and dick didn’t win
c: it wasn’t nominated… oh you’re joking
c: game change won something else dumb. julianne moore is tripping over her words. jack black isn’t amused.
a: he’s probably blasted and concentrating on looking sober.
c: i’m confused they showed a montage for best motion picture and now it’s commercials
a: weird [neither of us knows how the show is structured apparently]
c: some old lady [hfpa president aida takla o’reilly] just asked bradley cooper to call her, maybe.
a: double ew
c: PAUL RUDE [paul rudd is on stage now]
a: i sometimes think my love for paul is too much [false]
c: damien lewis won something for homeland and is now crying about his dead mom
a: that’s sad… but also seems irrelevant
c: if i were actually taking shots for the crying i’d already be drunk. also i’m going to use this text thread for a blog post.
a: so you’re just using me?
c: yes. homeland won best tv drama. yawn. jennifer lawrence is wearing some dude’s blazer!! new bf alert?
c: dude there is someone below the stage adjusting the mic for every person lolol
a: worst job at the golden globes
c: the anonymous announcer just said “anna karahnina”. life of pi gets best score. ang lee is the cutest.
a: that’s so true. i adore him.
c: uh oh they’re music-ing this dude off stage. irony. adele gets best orig[inal] song for skyfall.
a: how could she not?
c: t swift is pursing her lips..
a: HAHAHAHAHA suck it
c: but still she’s about to make another billion dollars since breaking up with that one direction kid
c: jessica alba is super pretty. kevin costner just won something. bill clinton just showed up.
c: p diddy is rull [really] excited about it
a: I AM TOO
c: i think it’s a segue to the licoln movie. [yes, it is] yep i called it. well this is dumb. “we are all here tonight because he [licoln] ended slavery”. false. the white people would have all been fine. will fuhrell [ferrell] and kristen weig [wiig] are now up. and don’t know their lines. jk they’re making up movies and putting actors in them. they’re doing the thing where they try to say the same things at the same time dyingggg. wow it’s so bad it’s good.
still c: apparently salmon fishing in the yemen is a real movie. i thought they were making it up and randomly put emily blunt in it.
a: HAHAHAHA of course it’s a real movie [you idiot]
c: jennifer lawrence wins for silver linings and gets standing ovation from t swift only. apparently they are friends.
a: t swift is terrible at awards shows. she should stop getting invited.
c: [anne hathaway sucks]
a: [yes she does] ohhhhh game change is the sarah palin thing
c: oh my christ. tarantino’s wife is really hot.. wait, maybe that’s not his wife.
a: [people wearing pretty dresses]
c: claire danes looks a little weird and has crazy eyes.
a: she almost always has crazy eyes.
c: and she casually dropped in the fact that she won her first golden globe when she was 15. like ok, calm down.
still c: OMG jason bateman just walked out carrying aziz. bc downton abbey has some awesome weed backstage. apparently i really need to start watching girls. OH SHIT tina just told t swift to stay away from michael j fox’s son.
stillll c: i’m so confused was it not common knowledge that jodie foster is gay?
a: i’ve known for ages
c: i think she just came out officially. ok yeah she did but she is waaaay rambling.
a: yiiikes or yay? ugh anne hathaway. after anne hathaway thanked her husband, my grandma just said, “until the divorce”
c: burrrn. halle berry’s dress is hideous and she’s talking super fast like she’s nervous. ben affleck is super cute and flustered. damn girls is killing. also hello, why was pitch perfect not nominated?
a: lena dunham is going to fall over
c: seriously wtf is this salmon movie? ughhh les mis is winning too much. jessica chastain is crying, but her lipstick is great. holy shit richard gere got old.
a: jodie foster is going on too long
c: daniel day lewis appears to be having absence seizures
a: or boredom and drunkenness
c: aw man it’s over. tina and amy did not get enough airtime
a: my sentiments exactly.
ps i should have probably mentioned that we were not watching simultaneously. high five if you read this whole thing!